Monday, August 12, 2013

Look at me Talking Zombies before AMC says its cool.


This post started out to be something different. But I stumbled through 2 paragraphs and since I don't want C.M. Punk to hit me in the head with a bottle and give me a G.T.S  because I still am shoddy with the whole Your and You're  situation.


  Honestly this was going to be about how the Big 3( Mad Men, Breaking Bad, and The Walking Dead) of the AMC Sunday night franchise have overlapping parts in their show. Like : Bitch Wife that everyone hates, a kid that you can't really make fun of because of their situation but you want to so fucking bad it hurts your soul, The leading man has one huge vice or problem, that should really make him the least likable character on the show but you find your self rooting for him every season, the supporting male roles are way more likable people then the lead male role, and they all have Chris Hardwick  holding a talk show after. Wow I just save like 2 hours. 

   So now that a huge chunk of time has freed up. I would like to be the first this year to get this out. Well I might not be the first but I am the first on this site and all the other sites that I have looked at.  This has really been a long time coming and I am shocked I haven't posted this sooner. I mean how many movies can I go to during the summer. By the way Coming soon " We are the Millers".  I think I tried getting this out during The Walking Dead Podcasts but those were just a lot of us yelling at Mikey for saying stupid things.  So here it is 

                                                    Setting the Standard in Zombie Plans 
A fairly polite dust up 
This shouldn't come as a shock that I have a plan to at least give my self and a select few a chance of surviving the zombie invasion  . I am pretty sure 100% of the people I associate myself with have a plan of some kind. If the don't well it's to the curb with that jabroni

 I am going to keep it real simple and leave some parts out because worst case scenario this shit  is actually happening and I am totally fucked as well as every single one of you. Let me explain why. Have you ever been to a concert or a mall or a Denny's on a sunday? There are a lot of selfish sweaty assholes out there that will totally fuck up any plans you might have had. 

So many people singing Wonderwall
 There are so many people just farting around everyday that it's terrifying. Do you know how many people go concerts? A shit load. I am going to put a photo of what the farewell show at Wembely stadium for Oasis.... That's for fucking Oasis who really only had 2 good songs in America but were like the second coming of the Beatles over there. I seriously just had a mini panic attack looking at that photo. You think hiding in an abandon whatever is going to matter to that crowd of dead people? Sorry Bro we are all zombies. 

Just keeping it classy 
If there is a shot it could work, I give it a 43% chance considering human error and zombie attacks. It's basically just chill out for the first week. If you know the deal that if it's a hard core zombie fuck show. Just let all zombie bait die off and all the crazy people run out. If you try leaving any earlier  you are a sitting duck if you try evacuating the city with everyone else. Toll bridges on a normal day suck ass what makes you think they'll stream line the process on an evacuation?  So after about a week of camping out in an attic because a basement is like a grave, if you go up high you still can go other places. 
 Right, so hopefully you discussed with a select group of people what the deal is and they also survived the same way you did. Now comes the tricky part. Getting your group together. You should have a predetermined location and if you say " Hospital, Walmart, Mall, Grocery store or even a church"you are a  damned fool and I don't want you anywhere near my shit. Best places to go will probably be small schools that cannot be used as staging/ refugee areas, office buildings , Borders books you know places no one goes to anymore.  Once you secure the inside of the building( stairs and basement are a must) because you have to check every room. Time is precious if the power is out ,so don't get lazy. You have to move you're remaining supplies in. If you were smart you'd have a route planed and on the way  maybe you think about where you can have a fall back shelter or a camp zone where if you go on supply runs and run into some shit you wont get thrown off course like a jackass. Oh yeah and that is one other thing. If you set a watch schedule which you should make sure the person who has the long shirt is well rested.  
  After about a month and a half of just being a scavenger and depending on when shit hits the fan. Normally it looks like spring/summer so you have some solid months where you can cultivate some sort of life. Loot some seed, find a good water supply , and really get into gardening  I hear its relaxing as well as rewarding. So get used to being eating veggies with Rats and birds because you are not going to find that much meat. Unless you live in the South or mid west. You guys are pretty much set unlike us liberal east coasters. 
Goofin around with your bro bros 
  Now Here is a big problem. You are probably  not alone out there and like I said before people are assholes. So You have to learn how to do 2 things that get passed over. Obviously you have to learn to fight and be cool with killing anything or anyone. Come on we are survivors not pussies. No, The 2 things you need to learn how to do is compromise and barter . So much shit could be avoided if people could put aside their ego. That's where the Governor in The Walking Dead went wrong ... besides his fish tanks and shining to Andrea.   If he was more flexible with Woodbury he'd have both eyes, a bigger army, better guns, and his zombie daughter. Which brings me to my final point?  
    Make sure you pick the right people for your group. You mainly want to stay away from assholes and well assholes is the perfect word to use. You want to have an open line of communication and community with these people since your pretty much stuck together for ever might as well be nice to each other. Also you need to have a plan in place just incase someone gets bit because they can really fuck your shit up if not dealt with properly. This is where you see who is in it to win it and who's not getting whats up. Look shit need to get done and your hands will get dirty so there is no room for Miss Prissy and Other names I cannot think of because I am tired. So if you are about to set up your team of buddies or what have you. Make them fill out a quick zombie resume. I put mine here 

                                                               MY ZOMBIE RESUME  
                                                                     (Patten Pending )
                                                                       Bryan's Resume 

  Good evening fellow survivor. I am going to keep this short and right to the point. I am looking to join or start a group of like minded individuals who are willing and ready for a creative and new way of surviving our current predicament.  

Zombie Education -  The Night of the Living dead (68&90) Dawn of the Dead (78 & 04) , Land of the Dead,3 Seasons of the Walking Dead, Abe Lincoln Zombie Hunter, Zombieland, 28 days later  (and 28 days... I love Sandy Bullock movies ) Fido, and  Warm Bodies. 

Zombie Experience -  I played Resident evil 1 &2 on normal mode, I actually bought Resident Evil Extinction and played about 2 hours of it, which lets face it is as far as anyone has gotten in it, Played paint ball a few times and I didn't suck at it 2 times, and I come up with some great game plans during football and I have yet to lose at  this sniper game on my phone. I know , I know amazing but I have more to offer

Will answer Situation examples with limited to no hesitation-I am pretty good at think on my feet sometimes. And If my plan is not good enough, I am man enough to take suggestions or hear what my fellow survivor has to say.   

Skills and abilities-I know a few tricks with cars I.E. Tire care, batteries , coolant , etc, have had a .600 batting average in the bast 9 seasons of softball so you know my swing is king, Possibly the best team player around, Also I am no stranger to taking charge and running the whole show. I am not afraid to make the tough calls. 

Other skills besides previous listed

   - Gifted Athlete ( I run 5.5 miles a day)
  -  Level headed in stressful situations 
      -  Natural Born Leader 
      - Able to communicate with hostile strangers so that we can   reach a reasonable conclusion toissues
      -  Knowledge of side streets and highway exits 
      -  Just an all around positive attitude 
     - I've gutted Fish and I have cleaned throw up... different occasions  

 In closing I would just like to say that adding me to your group and or faction. I do have my down sides which I am man enough to say that I am not perfect as hard as it to believe but I am a quick learner.  But I wont kill woman and Children who are not zombies. If they are all zombiefied they are getting crushed bromigo . 

So that happened. Lets face it if the Zombies came and they had any sort of speed or pack mentality. I am fucked. I am fat enough to know I am zombie food, like If I fall and am swarmed by 5 zombies they are not letting me go. I am like a full fledge buffet and I probably taste like Sizzler anyway. 

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