Thursday, July 4, 2013

The Most American thing you can read on the Most American day in America



Since it's July 4th and I have the day off from both jobs, Jimmy Matt Melissa Dan Ray Parks are working, Nick is taking over Atlanta like Northerns do, Tom is  turning Amish, and Mikey is off to Texas for some Rooster Teeth thing. I don't know stuff kids do. But back to my point I have the day off and I have that wild hair up my ass. So This post is going to be about the most American action movies
                                      
Top 5 American Action Movies.

America. What you fucking do bout it 
5. Die Hard - This is a special movie to all of us Americans. Not only is it a top 5 Christmas movie of all time. It is also one of the most American Movies ever created. Coming out in 1988 which was in the rash of hostage situations, so it was crazy times. America needed a hero and NYPD police officer John Mclane stepped up to the plate and hit a home run. Attending his wife out in LA at her fancy job where they focused on .... Umm... Doing blow, banging secretaries, and building tiny models of downtown LA. Which is always the part people want to rebuild , is it bad? I mean its California I have never been but a place where the sun always shines and where Alison Brie lives there, so  it can't be that bad. But whatever. At this Party John is all turned around because he is seeing his wife living a whole new life and that dick bag Ellis is stepping on thin ice. Then as the party is about to get weird Hans Gruber and a bunch of Germans, a Black guy, long haired asian fellow  and Huey Lewis just piss over everything. Hans puts up the front that they are there to send a message about freedom and how the American Government is out of line.... Bullshit it's about that cash. So  Huey Lewis and the News round up the Party guest except for your boy John McAllen who is about to unleash a world of pain on these fucks (shoeless). I don't want to spoil anything for you but I have to say by the end it shows that no matter how refined and intelligent you might think you are. Nothing compares to grit and balls . Yippie Kay Yay Mother fucker.

American Math equation = Bruce Willis+ guns+ Alan Rickman+ Cocaine+ Carl Winslow+ FBI jokes- Vigo From Ghostbusters 2+ Run Dmc Christmas in Hollis Queens= Reganomics

There is so much America in this Photo
4. The Patriot-Mel Gibson's last real epic before he went all space cadet on us. Just a stellar cast in this movie, a young Heath Ledger who was just at the point of being on your sisters wall, Jason Isaac playing a bad guy which is out of type for him , Tom Wilkinson which this is the movie that began his status as " Oh that guy, he was in a movie I liked, He's pretty good" that was this movie and Joely Richardson fresh from her decade long upgrade at the robot store (look this is a long blog so give me a break) and like 3 American Actors.  Taking place during the American Revolution so really that's  ok but they could have ranked higher if they had Vin Diesel play someone named Wellcot Bennington Esquire the 4th. But that didn't happen, So Mel plays Benjamin Martin who was a big deal in the Franco Indian war a few years back. So when the Sons of Liberty started making some noise obviously  they came to Benji for some help. I don't want to give anything away because I am not like that because I want you to see these movie.  But Heath Ledger Gets killed by Jason Isaac and that makes Gibby really mad. Which leads to some of the greatest battle scenes of all time? No CGI just pure America.

American Math equations = Mel Gibson with a ponytail - Child Murder+ Making Red Coats look like fools+ Being Friends with Slaves + The Berth of a Nation -  Not enough Americans = Give Me Liberty and Holocaust denier eat... Whoa !!! Slow down.

Does this look like the face of a Boss 
3. Forrest Gump- Tom Hanks plays a man you goes through 5 decades interacting with the most important figures  in American history for the 40's-the 80's with out aging after the tender age of 37. Just down right amazing movie. It was Forrest Gump who helped the segregation, It was Forrest Gump who took down Richard Nixon, It was Forrest Gump who inspired John Lennon to write possibly the greatest songs ever written, and It was Forrest Gump who gave the people of America, Japan, Thailand and China another place to eat quality Seafood instead of the oppressive Red Lobster or Comrade Lobster. Honestly this movie breaks my heart every time I watch it. It kills me when Bubba dies because no body wants to have their best friend die in their arms and when His momma dies because having a parent die is the worst thing that can happen to you and she did nothing but believe that her boy was special and did everything she could for him and when he meets his son and finds out that his son is not born with the same issues he had growing up  powerful shit. But I couldn't care less when Jenny Died. Frankly if you think Jenny dying was sad you're a terrible person. She led him on for years, She up and bounced out to become a stupid hippie and then when you boy Forrest starts rolling in it and he makes the news for just being Forrest she is ready to settle for him.  So if you think she is a sympathetic character you're an idiot and you are suspended from Underrated Heroes. Sorry for getting a little real right their but I mean come on.  He's not a Smart man but He knows what love is.

Heartbreaking 
American Math Equations = Teaching Elvis how to dance+ Out running Bullies who have multiple sources of transportation + rocking a sick flat top for 50 years +  Not giving a fuck about the Color lines + being a special teams stud + Being the best solider + Meeting 3 Presidents ( Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon) + Ping Pong Champ+ Shrimp Mogul + Land owner=   American Hero 




In your eye... Hitler 
2. Saving Private Ryan-Boom what a movie. Taking place during WW2 when wars were wars.  Tom Hanks leads a rag tag team of salty American soldiers who are reclutant to go and save Matt Damon because two of his brothers died in combat. With possibly the most intense opening scene in movie history followed closely by "Up". Saving Private Ryan hold nothing back. Just Dirt, grit and Vin Diesel ( who gets snipped for helping a little Child ). Such a great movie and with the last two movies I ranked you would think I am a Spielberg guy which I am not. I am a Tom Hanks guy. Tom Hanks might be the most American American in America.

 American Math Equations = EARN THIS     

Nonstop America 
1.  American Warships - Not to be confused with that bullshit Battleship movie. This movie is pure gold. Starring Carl Weathers, Mario Van Peebles, interchangeable White people and lower end CGI aliens. I bet you thought I was going to say Independence Day with Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum. With that Amazing Speech right  before they fought in the sky. But no, this gem is on netflix and I have to say it has the better story, better acting, and better cast then it's big budget copycat. Carl Weathers is great as angry officer, Mario Van Peebles really hid his sexual tension with red head white lady #1 who looked like she was more into Red head white lady #2  then the Peebles. Overall it is worth a watch and you can thank me later.

American Math Equations= Just watch something else



Whatcha gonna do other countries when Merica runs Wild on You 
  There it is. It has some red , some white,and some blue all over it. This list is the equivalent to swimming in Scrooge McDuck's ( Apparently McDuck is above the whole red line spelling error deal. Either there are people with McDuck for a last name or Apple computers have low standards for the Irish).  Oh here's a bit of Underrated Heroes news. This is our 100th post and my 70th probably. I'd like to thank everyone who keeps reading our posts and I'd like to thank the staff for contributing. Even though we have slowed down I can feel that we are about to come back with some good content. Stay tuned it's going to get exciting. 
    

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