Monday, April 29, 2013

Movie Mayhem #2 : Pain and Gain ... and Voice overs


    Hey everyone I am back and this time before 3 am. So on Saturday after work and with mutual boredom, Mikey and I agreed on seeing "Pain and Gain " aka Transformers 3.5 . Now I used the words agreed on seeing because there  was nothing really to do and I just worked 6 days in a row and it was the only idea we came up with.

 Pain and Gain is the True story of body builder Daniel Lugo and his band of Body building rocket scientist as they go around 1995 Miami pumping iron, kidnapping people, stealing cash, giving their back story over multiple voice overs and pumping iron. Daniel who is the leader and thinks of himself to be the smartest guy in the room played by the multi talented Mark Walhberg( He can lift, run, jump,shout,and talk really fast all in slow motion better then anyone in the game)  . He is tired of being kicked around by those he sees as lazy and those who took the easy way to the American dream. Along with lift bro Adrian played by the suitor to the Will Smith mantle Anthony Mackie  and new employee, cocaine fan and Jesus t-shirt enthusiast Paul played by the Rock who has grown as an actor since Doom.  Come up with a "fool" proof plan to kidnap and rob blind  the lovable and just downright nicest character ever created. Victor Kershaw played by the incomparable Tony Shalhoub, I think 95% of his dialogue was "Fuck ".

    Now before I get into it I just want to give you my history with Michael Bay movies. I only like 3 of them and find the rest of them garbage. Bad Boys 1, Bad Boys 2, and Armageddon. Those are his best movies in my opinion. But I feel that he just makes action porn and is dumbing down his all ready dumbed down movies so he can jam as many car flips, broken windows, fireballs , fake tits, Slow motion screaming and John Turturro into a 2 hour time frame. Granted Michael Bay know how to make his actresses 10x hotter with  the right amount of "sweat and dirt". But his movies feel soulless and so sterile that it's predictable. But he  sets a standard for American Action movies that we have to deal with and it makes British action movies look like oscar gold in comparison. So Me and Michael Bay are not on good terms.

   The story goes that Daniel is a trainer at a world class gym that he helped turn around with some savvy  business moves like free waxing for fat people and strippers. But that's not what's important. Daniel has the idea that he is the smartest mother fucker because he is following the advice of Johnny Wu played by Ken Jeong for a solid chunk of time. Give or take 3 minutes. At the same time  Daniel's buddy Adrian is trying to get yoked up by using the roids but like all roid stories we find out A. He likes big girls and B. his dick don't work. So we have to watch him get some sort of shot into the head of his dick. Daniel and Adrian come up with a plan to kidnap Daniel's new client, the charismatic Victor Kershaw. They realize they are one guy short of an A-team of sorts. Then like it was written in a weekend, here comes the former cocaine indulger,  born again christian, ass kicking machine and all around nice guy Paul. Who after having a bit of an awkward run in with Pastor Randy who you might know better as Carl from Billy Madison or for that one female who reads this Mr. Heckles from Friends, joins the crew and we are ready to go after 3 different narrated flash backs. We are finally ready to see a kidnapping.... Nope psych , The Comedy genius Michael Bay has Daniel , Adrian, and Paul become the 3 stooges for 2 non successful attempts. Now we are gifted with some amazing accent work by Marky Mark. (Spoiler Alert!!!!!!!) Even though his Columbian accent was near perfect, his identity was blown by the cologne that his nephew or niece bought him. Now we are all like " Holy shit. How did Kershaw  figure it out! Since his eyes were duck taped !" said no one at all. Frankly we were all wondering why it took so long. Now before I ruin the whole movie for you I just have to say that the Rock was the only character that you could "care" for and the Russian stripper was super fucking hot.

    So after that lengthy plot summary I guess it's time for my opinion of the movie. if you put everything about on paper this sounds like the worst movie ever made. Michael Bay in a 2 explosion movie, Marky Mark being  Marky Mark  Tony Shalhoub being the right amount of Jewish ,Columbian ,and asshole, The Rock wearing some kick ass Jesus t-shirts that I actually want to buy despite how I personally feel about shirts like that, a scene that I can only call it the tits and under using Rob Corddry and Anthony Mackie.  Is a lot to take in for the average movie fan not to mention the last 4 Michael Bay movies have needless to say have been fucking awful. But this one wasn't that bad. Wahlbreg is at his best when he doesn't have to try hard at being someone else.

   This wasn't the Fighter or the Departed which he was great in and this wasn't Max Payne or The Happening which he was terrible in. He was ok and that is fine. The real star of this movie was The Rock. He played off of Shalhoub and they had a good thing going, and he played the role of the hard luck and non charismatic guy very well.  Which if you know who The Rock is you'd understand why this was his show. When ever he was on the screen it was the best parts of the movie. The Rock is turning into the new Face of Action movies. Anthony Mackie is going to be a star in the picture business but this movie wasn't a great showcase for him.
    The Movie was 130 minutes but it really should of been 80 and just like this review it went on for too long.You'll get a few chuckles in so if you got nothing to do and you are locked out of Iron Man 3 check it out but  if you have the option just get your pump in instead because even though there are some good parts it oozes doughiness and has way too much slow-mo yelling.

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