Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's got you down well....

   What the hell is this shit? Mother Fuckers are making lists like they know what making lists are as easy as making lists. OK maybe I am a little on edge today because it's Valentines Day and instead of fawning over a lovely lady buying her drinks and tell her how she is the most beautiful girl in the universe only to be told " Gross who are you?!" and I answer with a Stone cold stunner and Peoples elbow for the most electrifying valentines date in sports entertainment I am home watching the Daily Show. But I am not bitter that I don't have a date because  you know what the way I work I feel having the pressure to be so romantic to a point where you have no where to go from there.
    You go out  to a crowded place where you can barely talk to each other because it's so fucking loud, you dress nicely so you have to order a salad so that you don't get something on your best shirt even though it might be a batman T-shirt that makes you look like you have man boobs, You have to hold in a fart all night and if  you go to the movies you have to sit through a movie that is total shit because it has to be a romantic movie because your date doesn't want to see Die hard 5... then again no one should see Die hard 5. Look if it doesn't make money then they can't continue to shit out shitty sequels. No, I am not bitter about not having a date, I am bitter or mad because I gave up candy and sugar for lent and today was the one day where people are throwing candy out the window.

   I feel the best day to take your best gal out is like a week after Valentines day because there is zero pressure on both of you. You can be your normal selfs pissing each other off because you disagree  about what ever bullshit you spit out of your mouths. People build up this random day during the darkest month of the year ... I need my soda fix. 

  So since I sent a shot to these fucking young guns on the site about who is the best  in the world in the list game. Here is a V-Day top list on  ladies who I would find it to be an absolute privilege to take out to a fancy place , hell I might even do the whole button down,nice jeans, tie and blazer that I pull off like a fucking stud.  So here we go Top list of who would be my Valentines 

8. Anna Kendrick - I only saw Up in the air but I gotta tell you the whole up tight pulled back hair.  Apparently this Pitch Perfect movie is worth a watch or so I am told. But I see the two of us taking a row boat on the lake as I serenade her with a beautiful rendition of the rainbow connection. Problem February is pretty fucking cold. 

7. Michelle Jenneke  - The Aussie hurdler that set the interwebs  on fire during the snozzfest  known as the Olympics. Look I know I have said no sports in this blog but she did a spread for the swimsuit issue and they put out the video and BOOM mother fucker she is so hot and happy and hot and Hot. Who knows how this date will go. I just know She's hot and is faster jumping over hurdles then I am jumping over my dog.  I have a pug. 

6.Alison Williams - Brian Williams daughter and she is on that show girls. All I know is she is the hot one that doesn't mean I watch that show. I honestly don't know what it's about all I know is that she is on a new level of hot. I feel that a date with her would involve a whole lot of me  being so smooth that I completely sweep her off her feet. Or I turn beat red break out in hives like I dry humped a real christmas tree ( the only thing I am allegoric to) and me getting really drunk because I think I am the coolest dude when I am faced. Honestly I am just loud and kind of a tool. Wow this was honest.   

5. Lauren Cohan -  Maggie Green from The Walking Dead. She should be higher but she was in all of 3 minutes of the first episode last week. I actually watched Van Wilder 2 the rise of Taj which has to be the Dark Knight of Van Wilder movies and was down for her whole Englishness. But Mainly I am all about Maggie.  So a date with her might have to involve some action. But I am not a go  rock climbing ,  go hiking type of guy by action I mean play paintball have her shoot me a million times because I can't move as nimbly as I once did and then end the date on a grassy hill  making her laugh as we eat steak sandwiches. Unless she is a vegetarian then its down to # 7 with you. 

4. Ashley Greene-I think I have a thing for girls with dark hair. She is way to hot to even look at sometimes. I have this thing with like super hot girls that I can talk to them with no problem . I am witty I am intelligent, I basically turn into the coolest dude in the room all because I know for a fact I do not have a chance. It's a 100 to 0 chance that they find me attractive. But her I know I would be stumbling around with my words so our date will be a movie marathon. Curl up on the couch put on three movies back to back to back so I have to keep my words to a minimum.

3. Taylor Swift - Yeah I am in the Taylor Swift game for keeps kid. I think she has been wronged by douche bags. I would treat her right and if I fall short and she dumps my cute and cuddly ass ( yes I am fucking cuddly ) She can't write a song about me because my name has zero rhyme schemes. Boom Check mate, Good luck !Wait you're extremely talented. You win again Swift!  But no I would treat her good. Even though she make 1000% more then me I would work real hard to keep her happy. So on our completely made up date I would be all about walking in the plains of the country basically the opening scene of UP except I would die because I can't keep this walking up and down stairs game for too much longer. Fuck That was depressing. Nah   it would be nice. So T-Swift if you stumble upon this post just know I have google plus lets hangout . Back to creepy in under 5 seconds.

2. The Ladies of Sourcefed   - I have been watching SourceFed on Youtube for a year 

now and its great. Frankly If it wasn't for SourceFed this site might of never have happened. So these fake dates has to be the toughest one to consider because there are 3 of them and each one different in their own way. You got Lee Newton who is a cute blonde who is into dinosaurs( Jurassic Park is one of my top 5 movies and Lost World had the best toys out of any movie franchise) and Marvel comics so our date would obviously start off at a museum with witty banter then grab a quick bite to eat at one of New York's nicest Irish Pubs ( I am sorry do I not have a say in this imaginary date?) then end the date by catching Avengers 15 because this is never going to happen. Meg Turney  who is a costly enthusiast ( is that the right term I have no clue because I have never met one. Wait there is Star Wars night at Citi  Field but those people give me the cold shoulder because I work there) which is pretty cool, but I have no clue on how I would play this? I would have to go wild card on this and just make it up as I go. But I will try really hard to make this hypothetical date work.  Finally there is Trisha Hershberger ,she knows about tech and shit  I don't really know I figure our date would be she helps me buy a new cell phone because mine is a piece of shit and I get suckered into getting terrible plans because I buy phones when they break so I lose the fight before I get in the ring.  But then we'd hit the town.  Seriously I don't know why I would go into Manhattan for any of these dates. I hate the trains and all the hustle and bustle. Plus I haven't been out to the Dinosaur walk in years. Long Island fucking kiss ass. Yeah I still haven't figured out how to place pictures. 

1. Alison Brie-I am running on the idea that she is more Annie Edison then Trudy Campbell. But thats the fun of going out and getting to know someone. I keep it mad low key. Nice quite spot with some candles then hit up some random bar after and end the night laughing and dancing . Look I can move contrary to popular belief that I have said before I have three go to dance moves 1) the Shoulder drop 2) the Dip I have strong arms and a fucked up rotator  cuff so the mystery is the fun and 3) the Spin. That is my goto move . Flawless excitation 60% of the time every time .  Mainly I am hoping that the whole " make a girl laugh" rumor is true. 

  Well, Not only did this list fucking dominate the List game . I think I throughly creeped everyone out. So Good Night Happy Valentine's Day and just remember I am better at this then everyone.  Just a final note since this probably didn't help you not feeling lonely. Just because you are alone today doesn't mean no one loves you. You are special in your own way and you shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't treat you like you deserve to be treated. Also If you read this blog it will most certainly help your case. Can't blame a guy for trying right. 

P.S- That last message was for the 1 or 2 girls  who read this blog. 

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