Ah Warped Tour, the great American summer music festival. Everyone knows about Warped Tour, from your weird 15 year old neighbor who just goes for Black Veil Brides & Blood on The Dance Floor, to your pop-punk brah who isn't sad anymore, and prefers to point their finger and scream their favorite bands lyrics back to the band, all the way to your best friends cooler older siblings that remember going to the first ever tour and will make sure you hear their speech about how much better it was, and how today its just mainstream garbage.
"How do you Pierce a Veil? Why aren't The Offspring playing this year?"
As I sit here on my toilet, hearing the sounds of snow blowers, shovels smacking against the pavement, and winds howling through the street as we survive the aftermath of the horrific disturbing Nemo, Warped Tour is a fresh reminder of the hot summer ahead of us. That July day that will be spent angrily headbanging, fighting off sweaty smelly bald dudes, and seeing your favorite bands, all while burning to a crisp in your local stadiums parking lot or fair ground.
As I look through the list of this years already announces artists/bands, I see many familiar names and many unfamiliar names. I thought I would take it upon myself to check out some of the lesser known bands. Who knows, maybe you will find your next favorite band! Maybe it will convince you to attend this years tour! Maybe you'll find this stupid and hate me and never talk to me again, regardless of how many apologetic messages I leave you. Im sorry, I was lonely and you know how I get when I drink. I assure you I have never heard or seen any one these bands and I am hearing them for the fist time as I write this.
After extensive research (30 seconds of Google searching) it was a little difficult to find some information on this group, however YouTube has directed me to the Grammy nominated (No) classic toe tapping American tune "#STUPiDFACEDD"...I cant make this up folks. This tune starts off with our hero Fedora Man knocking on an apartment door while an Insane Clown Posse on Meth song plays in the background, it looks like Apartment 3 is in for a wild night. These people let him into their party for some strange, unknown reason and Fedora Man's first instinct is to start dancing by himself in the living room. Apparently he also bought the "Nasty Beats" to the party as the bass drops and all the white people look confused. While relaying such timeless poetry as "Face down in the bloodstained carpet, gettin' girls at the farmers market" and "Super Soaker filled with Four Loko Plus SoCo, real gross yo, I go ham and cheese on rolls, That's a metaphor. Another metaphor" it is clear that Mr. Wallpaper. wishes to be the male version of Ke$ha. His most truthful line comes when he states "I don't rap good, it don't matter. Cant sing good, it don't matter. Cause Im blacked out sleepwalking, on a quest for god at my friend's apartment." I don't think even god could help this man now, I truly believe he was blacked out when he wrote this song.
Recommended if you like: Ke$ha, Far East Movement, Garbage(The stuff you put out on Thursdays, not the band)
I give Mr. Wallpaper 1 fedora out of 5. Skip this set
As this video for the song "Sick Tooth for Coffee" begins, I notice a Guy Fawkes mask hanging on the wall. Already an improvement over the Fedora, I have hopes for these kids. This seems to be some EDM as the kids call it or "Electronic Dance Music" for us grandpas, a musical style that has seen a rapid growth in the past year or so, and has developed a fair following at the Warped Tour. As these blurred out face people play the Impossible Game on their macs, the beat is indeed dropped. Following a very Skrillex-like vocal bridge, and a tourettes guys sound clip, the bass one again drops. I find it impossible to sit still as my head feels the need to bob along with this tune. Im not a dub step fan at all really, but I enjoy this tune. My one gripe is that it sounds almost too much like Skrillex, I believe there is even a Skrillex doll on the table. These guys are still killing it though, I can see them drawing a big crowd.
Recommended if you like: Skrillex, Dubstep, Tourettes Guy
The kids in ShykidX get 3.5 bass drops for that tune. Check them out if you have the time but don't feel bad if you miss them.
I can tell from just the thumbnail that this video will have actual instruments! That picture alone makes it better than Wallpaper.'s entire discography, but only time will tell if this band has potential. As the music video for the song "Crows" begins we can see the charred remains of a demolished house. This was mostly likely caused by WSS's br00tal breakdowns and ruthless chugging that we are yet to see. A posi-jump from the vocalist and we are underway! Flannels, gauges, tank tops, and beards are all present as the melodic guitar eases us into the riffage to come. "I have seen the tides change course, without a warning, without the winds or the waves." shouts the vocalist (Ok, I googled that. Come on, there is no way in hell you can figure out what hes saying). There isn't much to say here except this band is a perfect example of what Warped has evolved into in the past few years. A good melodic hardcore band that a lot of people will check out and there will be those 3 guys in the front row that actually know the words.
Recommended if you like: Pianos become the teeth, Underoath, JesusCore
I give these young gents 4 tank tops out of 5. 3 of them are for a good performance and the last one is for cleansing my palette of Wallpaper. I cant stress enough how much he sucks.
Last but not least..
Out of all my options, I picked Crizzly for their name. (I picked them all by name really, since I don't know them) You better not fail me Crizzly. One quick YouTube search and I come across the Crizzly tune "Big Booty Bitches". You failed me Crizzly. Is it too late to switch? Can't I choose again? Let me listen to Wallpaper. again please. I suppose I should hit play now, but I'm not looking forward to it.
Here come the beats as I am graced by the presence of a woman's ass, as if to tell me I am about to witness shit. The line "Big booty bitches" is repeated as it builds up to a really lackluster bass drop. While this track plays and I sit here at a loss for words, I ponder if I could beak out a laptop, create a beat, and just repeat "Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets" over it and get on Warped Tour. I think I'm going to go do that instead of listening to this disgrace.
Recommended if you like: Music worse than Wallpaper., Big booty bitches
Crizzly gets -2 Big Booty Bitches out of 5. Stay as far away from this set as possible.
So today's findings didn't produce much gold from the depths of Warped, hopefully next time I'll be able to sift through the crap and find some artist with some substance. Join me next time as I uncover more fedoras and big booty bitches! Until then, stay sexy my Parkaholics.